Deep Sadness

That's how I've felt since Ian was born in February of 2010. I feel like I'm trying to crawl out of big, deep hole that I can't see the top out of. I feel like I take two steps out and the fall back five steps.

I'm not even sure of the nature of my depression. I've never thought it was true post partum depression. I think it just seemed to coincide with Ian's birth.

I can pinpoint exactly how it started. I have a relative who is very cruel to me. She's someone who goes out of her way to point out how stupid I am, how ugly I am, and every poor choice I've ever made. Unfortunatley, she chose to do this right after Ian was born. I've usually been able to make a quick recovery from her remarks but this time I just couldn't.

It was made worse by my husband. Bob is a great man. One of the many reasons I fell in love with him is his forgiving heart. Of course, now almost 15 years later, it's one of the things that drives me crazy. Since he is so forgiving, he practically gives this relative permission to speak. He strives to have a balance between being forgiving and being a doormat. Unfortunately, it didn't play out so well for me this time.

A year after Ian was born, in February 2011, I became the victim of work place bullying. Without my knowledge, pictures of me that were rather unflattering were taken and texted around my agency. Having to walk into a place every day knowing people were laughing at you behind your back is very difficult. I don't really have any options, I have 3 girly girls and a little boy who are dependent on my job. They've been the only reason that I drag myself out of bed every day.

I don't really have any friends. I'm not really a person that most people like. I'm usually tolerated and then quickly ignored. I'm pretty forgettable. My husband works hard for us and I really miss him. I keep trying to keep a brave face for the kids but they notice. Ellie asks me frequently to stop crying.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this but I hope by getting it out in the public internet that it will cause things to change