Friday, November 13, 2009

A realization

I love to read blogs. It's my hobby or past time.

I specifically love to read blogs about kids and happy normal boring families.

I also like to read blogs about kids with medical or developmental issues. I'm drawn to them and can blog hop to find them. I like reading about different treatments and different therapies and how people change and grow in spite of life altering news.

In reading these blogs, I've realized that there are families and moms that are totally at ease of who their child is and what their child's abilities are. Sadly and honestly, I'm not just one of them. I also don't know when or actually if I ever will be.

It is a constant and daily struggle for me and little things can set of my tears of sadness. Ellie was recently invited to a birthday party. She was so excited and I was so sad. Lauren's never been invited to a birthday party or even over to play. I'm not sure if she ever will be.

I love taking my girly girls to ballet. They've talked about ballet for so long and we've been unable to let them go until now. With my recent raise and the plethora of overtime now offered to me, it is now within our grasp to given them this. They love it. I love watching them get dressed and love hearing them ask "is today ballet?". However, my heart breaks a little everytime I see Lauren in the class. Lauren towers over everyone as she should. It is afterall, a class for 3-4 year olds. Lauren is 6 and this is the best fit for her.

Everytime I go to an appointment, my heart carries a secret wish. See, I don't want any therapy to make her better, I want it to make her normal, just like everyone. I know that despite everything we do, Lauren is never going to be like everyone else. Things are never going to be easy for her.

At the end of the day, it's my issue. It's not Lauren's issue and that's a good thing. Lauren is happy and thriving. She loves her sisters and she loves us. She loves school and could go everyday. She comes home with great stories about what happened at school. She fights with her sisters just like any other 6 year old.

I work very hard to find peace and acceptance and I hope I will.

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